My highly random thoughts this month are not at all about fishing, but they were inspired by a recent fishing trip. I thought this month I might go after a couple of different groups. What I anticipate happening is a price put on my head for my assassination. I will go into hiding when this column hits the newsletter and my good friends will wonder what happened to me. In the event that you think I am just paranoid (and I may be…wouldn’t you be paranoid if someone had a hit out on you), when you see who I am going after, you will understand.First of all, it is important for you to understand that for many years I wanted a truck with four-wheel drive. For a large variety of reasons, I was never at a place in life that I could get one. Whether it was raising kids, work, budget, and on and on and on, I always had an excuse for myself. Then I came to a place in my life where I took the advice of Ferris Buhler, and I just said, “What the #&*!” and was done with it. I got my four-wheel drive and I haven’t looked back since. I feel like a kid in a candy store.
Having said that, I am firmly convinced that getting a four-wheel drive immediately decreases the IQ of that individual. Let me explain. I was out this past weekend on one of my favorite spring creeks that winds through some farmland about an hour from my house. I am able to get access to the water and the stream has some nice smallies and some pretty stubborn pan-fish in it. It had rained the day before and was sprinkling lightly that afternoon. The road that runs down to the valley was pretty muddy and I parked at the top of the hill and walked. I needed the exercise anyway. I had been out all afternoon hiking and fishing (and thoroughly enjoying myself) and had the good fortune of encountering a beautiful white-tail buck, a beaver, a mother wood duck, some red-tailed hawks, a beautiful blue indigo bunting, and even a few fish. I was on my way back to my truck and I ran into a guy and his two daughters in an old four wheel drive jeep. He had just gotten stuck in some mud (about a foot deep) and he told me he couldn’t believe it – after all, his vehicle was four-wheel drive. Duh.
You also have the Midwest snow or ice storm scenario where you are driving on the edge in a snow storm (maybe 45 to 50 miles per hour) and Joe Four-Wheel Drive comes by you going 85 miles per hour and a few miles up the road you see Joe in the ditch. Joe is scratching himself on the head and saying to himself, “Myself, I thought this was four-wheel drive…how did I end up in this ditch?” Duh. Point made. Memo to all four-wheel drive vehicle operators – you still have to drive intelligently…you do have an edge over those two-wheel drive sedan folks, but you are not driving a tank or a Humvee. Enough said.
Now, I move on to another American icon – the HOG style motorcycle. Vroom, vroom, vroom. On the way home from my fishing trip which inspired my attack on the four-wheel drive thing, I was a stoplight in a small town and a group of Harleys pulled up next to me at the intersection. While I was waiting for the light to turn green, they proceeded to show me how loud their engines could be and I was quite impressed. Actually, to be more accurate, it made quite an impression on me. When I was younger I rode motorcycles and it really is a blast. There is a sense of freedom that does not have much compare. However, I really don’t want to be subjected to your over the top dose of noise pollution. Hey, HOG folks; if you have an issue with size, they have medication and devices to help you with that. Keep it to yourself…the world will be better off for it. You do your thing and I will do mine…just try to not be so damn noisy.
Now that I have attacked four-wheel drive trucks and motorcycles, I should move on to mom and apple pie. However, I don’t want the price on my death to go to unnecessary heights. I am going to share a condo with Samon Rushdie until things cool down. I will be looking out for black helicopters. I might wear a hat, and dark sunglasses. I might even get one of those fake mullet ball caps so I can really travel incognito. I might just have to head out to the woods and live off of the land for a while. There are worse things in life. Who’s paranoid? I am not paranoid. They really are coming after me. But I know how to deal with it. I just need to go fishing.
You think about that. TL
